Squirrel: The Farmer's Tan

Squirrel: The Farmer's Tan

There's a squirrel who lives in the orange tree outside my bedroom window that's a total dickbag. And not a dickbag as in, "Oh, it's just his nature to be a dickbag," but I'm pretty sure that all the dickish things he does is on purpose with the intent that he gets his little squirrel jollies off by tormenting me and Jack the Corgi at every opportune moment since we moved to our home. 

To answer your initial question, yes, it is the same dickbag squirrel and not a succession of squirrels who all have an innate penchant to emulate said bag of dicks. We know this for a few reasons.

When Brian and I moved into our home three years ago we first met with this squirrel while we were surveying our new backyard. As I investigated our ancient kumquat tree that reached 30 feet high I was met with a loud barking from up in the high branches. There sat a grey squirrel, his tail bristled and eyes glaring like little black voids displaying a lack of empathy or soul. Most notable was the fact that he was missing his left ear. 

Attempting to threaten us, he barked as he ran back and forth along the kumquat tree. This was his tree and he was here first and he would make it known. Fine, but as the person who would now pay the taxes on his home he was going to have to deal with the fact that I was his new landlord.

It's three years later and this one-eared free-loading dickbag is still causing me headaches. I assume he will for sometime still. See, according to the Smithsonian National Museum of Natural History, the average lifespan of a gray squirrel is only a year due to factors such as getting hit by traffic or being caught by predators such as cats or raptors. However, should the squirrel be one of higher than average cunning, a grey squirrel can live up to be 10 years old. Dickbag seems to be a scrappy little bugger and unless he's already pretty old then I could be facing 7 more years of his torment. 

And the torment! To begin with, Dickbag did not take well to us humans moving into the house that had for a year before been generally uninhabited minus a few meth brewing vagrants who would occasionally break in to the on-market HUD home. So every morning he would sit outside our orange tree and bark at us. At 5 AM. Like clockwork. We would yell and he would just glare at us, praying to his Squirrel Gods that we would burst into flame or get carried away by an angry dog or whatever spiteful things squirrels wish upon their enemies. 

He also took an immediate dislike to Jack the Corgi, whom he put into place rather quickly. Jack isn't a brave creature to begin with but naturally takes to barking and chasing squirrels like any other dog. The exception is Dickbag, whom he will quickly trot away from when seen. Dickbag secured his place in the garden hierarchy by heaving ripe kumquats at Jack as well and neighboring cats and the occasional human. Eventually, the citric meteor shower quelled any rebellions. 

This juice is delightful on its own for brunch.

This juice is delightful on its own for brunch.

While you can make it yourself, I highly recommend having this in your fridge for the sake of ease.

While you can make it yourself, I highly recommend having this in your fridge for the sake of ease.

Dickbag also has a delightful habit of picking fruit from any of our fruit trees, taking three bites, and then tossing the otherwise perfectly fine fruit on the ground to rot. So everyday I have to go pick up barely eaten fruit now swarming with fruit flies, ants, and fungus because this asshole's eyes are bigger than his stomach.

In fact, I've watched him climb our pluot tree and pick fruit and just throw it down on the ground without taking a bite. Just this morning I saw him pluck a perfectly ripe specimen as he looked me dead in the face. 

"Don't you fucking dare," I growled.

And then he just dropped the fruit, chittered at me, waved his little defiant tail and proceeded to scamper into the neighbor's yard. 

We've tried to scare him off with foil ribbons and other deterrents but nothing works. He still throws fruit for fun and for the sake of violence. He barks at me and everyone else. He's even chased off a raccoon or two for getting in to the trash, which is something Dickbag doesn't even care about. Rather, it was a threat to his territory.

Our little war rages on.

For now, I cope with sipping cocktails while researching ways to end him. Soon, though… Soon I will end the life of the one-eared dickbag squirrel.


A savory-sweet way to ignore your furry little hellbent problems.

A savory-sweet way to ignore your furry little hellbent problems.

The Farmer's Tan

What You'll Need...

  • 2 ounces tomato-watermelon juice (see recipe below)
  • 1 ounce gin (I used Tanqueray)
  • .5 ounce lemon juice
  • .25 ounce burnt simple syrup (I used Tippleman's Burnt Sugar, or see recipe below)
  • heirloom tomato wedge for garnish

What You'll Do...

Place the ingredients in a shaker with ice. Shake and double strain into Nick-and-Nora or cocktail glass and garnish with a tomato wedge.


Tomato-Watermelon Juice

Excellent on its own, but perfectly lovely in this cocktail. You can also use with with a bit of vodka and some muddled mint or basil.

What You'll Need...

  • 2 red/orange heirloom tomatoes
  • 2 cups of cubed watermelom
  • tiny pinch of salt

What You'll Do...

Place ingredients in a juicer / food processor / blender and process. Strain through a fine mesh strainer. Should make around 3 1/2 cups of juice.


Burnt Syrup

This is a classic syrup – essentially, a caramel – when you need some dark sweetness. A staple for modern tiki bars as well. Tippleman's uses actual molasses so this is a bit different in flavor, but certainly will do the job.

What You'll Need...

  • 1/2 cup sugar

What You'll Do...

Place sugar in a saucepan over medium heat and heat, without stirring, until it begins to turn golden brown around the edges. Use a wooden spoon and stir to incorporate melted sugar and cook until melted and a deep amber color. Remove from heat and, stirring constantly, slowly add 1/2 cup water. The sugar will sieze and sputter, but this is normal. As you cook the sugar will re-melt. Place back on burner at medium-low heat and stir until smooth.

Good to the last drop.

Good to the last drop.

Bad Audience: Contessa

Bad Audience: Contessa

Gay Card: Second Wind

Gay Card: Second Wind