Gay Card: Second Wind

Gay Card: Second Wind

Reasons I Should Turn in My Gay Card:

  1. I have uttered the words, "Who is George Michael?"
  2. I do not own a gravy boat.
  3. I have not been to Badlands since before Sidetrax opened. (Non-Sacramentan's understand this is sacrilege. I've no doubt been branded a heretic and the pink mafia is coming for me as we speak.)
  4. I have never owned boat shoes.
  5. My wardrobe is basic at best because I hate shopping and spending money on clothes.
  6. "What do you mean hairspray alone is a terrible way to style my hair?"
  7. I feel there is nothing wrong with 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner when you are traveling.
  8. I do not own a copper drink bin for parties. Just use ice to cool your wine and deal.
  9. Prefer bourbon and whiskey to vodka, which makes too many of my gay friends ick out.
  10. Ru Paul's Drag Race is dumb.
  11. I have not tried molly.
  12. I have never been to Pride. Anxiety keeps me hidden under a blanket at home for the most part.
  13. "Do I really have to go to drag queen bingo?"
  14. No, I didn't see what she was wearing.
  15. Apparently, Grace Jones did other work than that one James Bond film. I, however, am not aware of any of it and am far too lazy to Google it.
Gay: Because you can't put mango vodka in a decanter. (Well, you can, but what the fuck is wrong with you if you do?)

Gay: Because you can't put mango vodka in a decanter. (Well, you can, but what the fuck is wrong with you if you do?)

Precious stone of New Zealand light roast coffee.

Precious stone of New Zealand light roast coffee.

Reasons I Get to Keep It:

  1. Know the choreography to all of Britney's videos from the 90s.
  2. Read all of Amy Tan and Margret Atwood.
  3. Can quote Queer As Folk and Wizard of Oz.
  4. I have almost every single episode of Xena memorized, though that may be more points towards my lesbian card.
  5. I designed my house to be gorg AF.
  6. In college I had pink hair with indigo highlights and sooo many piercings. It's a shame there are no pictures, but trust me, I was turnt up.
  7. Such a WASP. I was taught how to verbally snipe a bitch from across the living room without spilling a single drop of gin from my glass.
  8. Corgi.
  9. 2 cats.
  10. Utterly icked out by vaginas. Seriously. Lovecraftian hoodoo down there.
  11. That one summer job I had in college that we do not speak of.
  12. Have used the terms "PSL Basic Bitch," "Entre nous," and "Gurl, BYE" in conversation effectively and got away with it.
  13. There is always pink wine in the house. Always.
  14. I put out the fine china simply because some nights. Bone white Harmony House with white gold rim. Classic-style. 1908. Boom.
  15. Watch The Real Housewives. All of them. Except Miami. You know why.
  16. Actually, you know, gay.
Homos: Drink your rye. Do it.

Homos: Drink your rye. Do it.

As the coffee melts the flavor of the drink constantly changes.

As the coffee melts the flavor of the drink constantly changes.


Second Wind

This cocktail is the elixir to remedy a long, terribly shitty day when you still have to stay up and work. Think of it as a southern version of the espresso martini; able to wake you up and fuck you up.

What You'll Need:

  • 2 ounces, spiced peanut milk (see below for recipe)
  • 1 ounce rye whiskey
  • 1-2 coffee ice cubes (I used a lightly roasted New Zealand-style coffee)

What You'll Do:

Place the peanut milk and whiskey in a shaker with ice and shake to combine. Double strain into a glass and add a few coffee ice cubes. Serve and live again.


Spiced Peanut Milk

Peanut milk is a bit unique. While flavorful and delicious you may need to either have one or both of the following traits: 1) some Midwestern or Southern blood in your veins, and 2) a love for boiled peanuts. If these things are part of your identity and heritage, boy, you are good to go with peanut milk. Flavored with cinnamon, sugar, and vanilla it's a sweet, curious drink fantastic on its own or perhaps blended with cream for ice cream.

What You'll Need:

  • 1 1/2 cups raw, shelled peanuts
  • 1/2 vanilla bean, seeded
  • large pinch ground cinnamon
  • 2 tablespoons agave syrup
  • 1/4 teaspoon salt

What You'll Do:

Soak the peanuts overnight in water. Drain, and place the peanuts as well as the other ingredients in a blender with 4 cups of very hot (not boiling) water. Blitz on high for two minutes and pass through a fine mesh colander. Set aside to cool.

Squirrel: The Farmer's Tan

Squirrel: The Farmer's Tan

Can't Host: Gates of Meknes Punch

Can't Host: Gates of Meknes Punch