Gay Card: Second Wind
Reasons I Should Turn in My Gay Card:
- I have uttered the words, "Who is George Michael?"
- I do not own a gravy boat.
- I have not been to Badlands since before Sidetrax opened. (Non-Sacramentan's understand this is sacrilege. I've no doubt been branded a heretic and the pink mafia is coming for me as we speak.)
- I have never owned boat shoes.
- My wardrobe is basic at best because I hate shopping and spending money on clothes.
- "What do you mean hairspray alone is a terrible way to style my hair?"
- I feel there is nothing wrong with 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner when you are traveling.
- I do not own a copper drink bin for parties. Just use ice to cool your wine and deal.
- Prefer bourbon and whiskey to vodka, which makes too many of my gay friends ick out.
- Ru Paul's Drag Race is dumb.
- I have not tried molly.
- I have never been to Pride. Anxiety keeps me hidden under a blanket at home for the most part.
- "Do I really have to go to drag queen bingo?"
- No, I didn't see what she was wearing.
- Apparently, Grace Jones did other work than that one James Bond film. I, however, am not aware of any of it and am far too lazy to Google it.
Reasons I Get to Keep It:
- Know the choreography to all of Britney's videos from the 90s.
- Read all of Amy Tan and Margret Atwood.
- Can quote Queer As Folk and Wizard of Oz.
- I have almost every single episode of Xena memorized, though that may be more points towards my lesbian card.
- I designed my house to be gorg AF.
- In college I had pink hair with indigo highlights and sooo many piercings. It's a shame there are no pictures, but trust me, I was turnt up.
- Such a WASP. I was taught how to verbally snipe a bitch from across the living room without spilling a single drop of gin from my glass.
- 2 cats.
- Utterly icked out by vaginas. Seriously. Lovecraftian hoodoo down there.
- That one summer job I had in college that we do not speak of.
- Have used the terms "PSL Basic Bitch," "Entre nous," and "Gurl, BYE" in conversation effectively and got away with it.
- There is always pink wine in the house. Always.
- I put out the fine china simply because some nights. Bone white Harmony House with white gold rim. Classic-style. 1908. Boom.
- Watch The Real Housewives. All of them. Except Miami. You know why.
- Actually, you know, gay.
This cocktail is the elixir to remedy a long, terribly shitty day when you still have to stay up and work. Think of it as a southern version of the espresso martini; able to wake you up and fuck you up.
What You'll Need:
- 2 ounces, spiced peanut milk (see below for recipe)
- 1 ounce rye whiskey
- 1-2 coffee ice cubes (I used a lightly roasted New Zealand-style coffee)
What You'll Do:
Place the peanut milk and whiskey in a shaker with ice and shake to combine. Double strain into a glass and add a few coffee ice cubes. Serve and live again.
Spiced Peanut Milk
Peanut milk is a bit unique. While flavorful and delicious you may need to either have one or both of the following traits: 1) some Midwestern or Southern blood in your veins, and 2) a love for boiled peanuts. If these things are part of your identity and heritage, boy, you are good to go with peanut milk. Flavored with cinnamon, sugar, and vanilla it's a sweet, curious drink fantastic on its own or perhaps blended with cream for ice cream.
What You'll Need:
- 1 1/2 cups raw, shelled peanuts
- 1/2 vanilla bean, seeded
- large pinch ground cinnamon
- 2 tablespoons agave syrup
- 1/4 teaspoon salt
What You'll Do:
Soak the peanuts overnight in water. Drain, and place the peanuts as well as the other ingredients in a blender with 4 cups of very hot (not boiling) water. Blitz on high for two minutes and pass through a fine mesh colander. Set aside to cool.