Alcohol-Related Incidents: Orange You Glad It's Carrot?

Alcohol-Related Incidents: Orange You Glad It's Carrot?

"...Well, the next thing he told me was that he had seven previous alcohol-related incidents with the law. Two of them were for drunk driving."

I'm at a party listening to one of the most fabulous social matriarchs in Sacramento regale me and others with her top worst Dating Site Hits. It makes me glad not to be single.

To bring you up to speed, the current man-in-question and subject of her tale has already met her at a high end restaurant in a stained undershirt, flip-flops, and has yet to come into contact with concepts such as current events or hygiene. Our bard informs us that his profile picture on the dating site she connected with him on was likely accurate once upon a time in a land called, Sobriety. 

"Wait," asks one of her attentive listeners, "what were the other five incidents?"

"Exactly. I'm a public attorney so my guess is likely alcohol-related violence. I asked, but he just said, 'Oh, well, let's leave it at I have five more.' After that he started going on about how sad he was and how he just sits in his underwear all day watching Netflix and drinking. It was like another alcohol-related incident slowly unfolding in front of me." She follows this with a practiced, deliberate sip from her sparkling wine.

"He was drinking on the date while telling you about his drinking problem?" I ask.

"Yes! Like, apparently, the irony hasn't occurred to him," she declares.

"Oh my God," another sighs, "staying at home drinking in my underwear watching Netflix sounds like the perfect boyfriend to me."

"I know, right? But I don't want to be a mistress if he's dating Lady Netflix. So, afterwards, I went to the dating site and argued - and won - a 50% refund because their policy guarantees a background check and no criminal record, and this guy definitely did and they definitely didn't. So there's that," she declares. Justice has prevailed.

"Wow. Go you," someone replies. We all concur.

"On the plus side, you've already hit rock bottom so you don't have any lower to go! Or, you know, hopefully. Any worse and he'll probably be wanting to taste your hair or something," I encourage.

"I have a date tomorrow. If you don't see a post on Facebook from me in 24 hours call the police as I'm locked in a trunk being driven to a shallow grave in a state park."


Carrot granita. Also good on its own as a palate cleanser.

Carrot granita. Also good on its own as a palate cleanser.

Orange You Glad It's Carrot?

Few people use carrot in a cocktail. A shame because there's so much sugar and flavor in a carrot. Uber-sweet carrot juice is mixed with cinnamon-infused honey syrup and turned into a granita. Scooped up and topped with prosecco it's a fabulous cocktail with an earthy, sugary flavor. The perfect drink for a night in with your partner, Netflix.

Use the best carrots you can find. That likely means a trip to a farmers market. I use La Marca prosecco as it's affordable, dry, and an excellent canvas for the sweeter flavors and subtle spice of the granita.

This cocktail was inspired by a beet granita cocktail in the cookbook, Winter Cocktails, by Maria del Mar Sacasa and Tara Striano.

It's the perfect cocktail to hold when you take a selfie to update your profile picture.

What You'll Need:

  • 1 pound carrots; peeled and cut
  • 1 Granny Smith apple; peeled, cored and chopped
  • 1/2 cup turbinado sugar
  • 1/2 cup water
  • 3/4 cup apple cider vinegar
  • 3/4 cup honey
  • 1 cinnamon stick
  • 4 cloves
  • prosecco (I use La Marca)
  • special equipment: juicer (see note)

What You'll Do:

If you have a juicer, juice the carrots and apple. Set the juice and pulp aside.

Place the remaining ingredients in a sauce pan and bring to a simmer over high heat. Cover and cook until the sugar is dissolved. Add the pulp from the produce and let it sit until room temperature so the carroty goodness infuses more flavor. Press the mixture through a sieve and toss the solids.

Combine syrup with the carrot-apple juice. Place in a wide, shallow dish and place in the freezer. Scrape with a fork every 30 minutes until it takes on a crystalline texture. This is your granita. It is god damn delicious and can be eaten alone.

Place 3 tablespoons in a glass and top with prosecco. Absorb praise from the world.

Note: If you don't have a juicer, use 12 ounces of store-bought carrot juice and a splash of apple juice instead.

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